Want to live not just survive tonight
by nywtkit
Summary: "I realised that I loved her and that I wasn't even worthy of her loving me, but how I wanted and needed her to do so nevertheless." After she's shot, Lexa is in coma and therefore, Clarke is in pain. Not being by the side of the person she loves tears Lexa apart, but until she wakes up, there's nothing she can do about it. Cherishing the memories and waiting is everything she has.
1. Chapter 1

First and foremost, this is my first fanfiction and I'm from Germany, therefore English isn't mymother tongue, so please don't judge all too harsh while reading. This chapter is the prologue to a story, there's a lot more to come. I hope you'll enjoy!

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Chapter 1  
"My mum is on her way to pick me up. I'm sorry." She looked into my eyes, desperation and sorrow and regret openly displayed for me. "Don't be. You have to go back to your people. That's why I-" I swallowed the rest of the sentence. 'Love is weakness, Leksa. Remember that'. "That's why you're you" I said instead. Hope shone in her eyes. "Maybe someday... you and I will owe nothing more to our people." I smiled. We both knew that this would never happen. I was Heda and she was Wanheda and we both were too important to our people. I had taken and sworn to fulfilll this duty until I die and we both knew that. Nevertheless I decided to allow myself the bittersweet imagination of that life and nodded. "I hope so" was all I could manage to say. Knowing that this might be the last time we saw each other, I offered her my forearm, I followed our ways and yet I mixed it up with theirs to create this special atmosphere we always had together one last time. "May we meet again." I knew that this was what Skaikru said when they parted or said goodbye to someone whose fight was over. She smiled and yet I saw tears welling in her eyes. For the least part of a second she looked into my eyes and I knew she could see my soul. She leaned in carefully, in order to not destroy this moment and to give me time to consider or back away, but after all this time of being separated from her and struggling to keep my feelings down, I just moved forward and went along with it and after all this time of being separated from her and keeping my feelings down I finally got to kiss her like I wanted for an even longer time. Everything in me that had been screaming not to trust anybody and to be careful and to not let her in just stopped existing. Instead, everything I had kept quiet started shouting at me to touch her, to run my fingers through her hair, to caress her face, to feel her skin against mine. Scared of another rejection, I just didn't move, apart from meeting her tongue with mine and letting her wash away all the worries until I only focused on her. Her fingers ghosted over my back until she gripped my neck and held me as close as possible to her. She opened the clasp of my shirt and ran her fingers over my shoulders until we parted for air and again she looked into my eyes and saw right through me into my soul. She directed me backwards until my knees hit the bed. I watched her watching me until she leaned down and put me flat onto my back. The next time is a collage of memories. Her lips on my collarbone, her muscles tensing and relaxing when I found the sensitive spot right behind her ear or learned about the noises she makes when she melts into my hands because I curled my fingers a special way. The sound of her screaming my name to the top of her lungs and the way she's arching her back when she's trying to tell me I did something right. The way it feels when I realise I'm falling apart under her fingertips and might never be able to feel whole again without her by my side because a part of me will forever be hers.

I woke up to her redrawing my tattoos with her fingers. The first thing I heard was her now raspy voice saying "This is beautiful", as she discovered the tattoo on my back. I explained it to her, but I didn't feel like talking about all the things that happened in the past of my people. So I asked her: "Can we talk about something else?" I just earned a grin. "We don't have to talk at all..." I chuckled lightly and moved over to kiss her. Once again, my world fell apart with her and yet I've never felt so complete before.

When I woke up, she was gone. My clothes were still lying next to my bed. I got dresses hastily and started looking for her. Suddenly I heard her voice and gun shots and started running. The next thing I felt was a sharp pain in my abdomen and the last thing I remember were the words "I love you, Clarke" leaving my lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
"Jackson!" Abby was running, screaming for Titus and her assistant, sending Octavia to take care of her daughter and trying to somehow get control over the situation. "Titus, she lost too much blood, will her organism only accept a nightblood's blood or can we get her anything? Jackson, we gotta find out what blood group she has, test her. Octavia, TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER!" It was a mess. The grounders were panicking and nobody seemed to have ever heard of medicine or medical care. "You! Over there! Heda is wounded, I need somebody to carry her into a silent room, we have to operate". The grounders she had addressed stared at her in confusion. 'Shit, they don't speak English.' "Heda! Danger! Help!" They seemed to understand that. "There Heda" Abby pointed into the corridor she just came out of. "Go. Titus." There wasn't any more time left. Jackson was gone to get the blood test device and Titus tried to find out whether Lexa would accept the normal blood they could provide rather easily (at least compared to checking every nightblood and finding out whose blood would work). "Octavia, why ARE YOU STILL HERE, GET CLARKE OUT OF THERE BEFORE SHE PANICS". Rushing through the tower, she tried to get her bag with basic medical supplies. "Abby. Abby!" Her head shot around. Jackson had reappeared. "I tested her. She's AB positive." "Thank god, that's finally some good news. Get the nightbloods and test them, there's gotta be ANYONE who'd donate blood for their commander, just in case we need another nightblood. See if you can even get an AB. Just go! And ask Titus! Go!" She didn't even take the time to stop. Octavia was finally gone to take care of Clarke (or so she hoped). Running by now, she grabbed her bag and returned to Lexas quarters. "Abby, Titus isn't back yet, but that's not a problem. The nightbloods are all either AB positive or 0 negative. We can easily transfer." Jackson seemed like he wanted to start a new project and descry how that happened and what exactly caused this peculiarity but he also got that this was not the moment. "Is Titus back?", Abby asked and her assistant just shook his head. "Okay. Get the nightbloods here. All of them. I'll prepare the transfusion." He vanished to do how he'd been told. "So, groundgirl, do me a favor and don't die today. My daughter needs you. Apart from that, we might all get killed without you. Okay. Let's get this ready. The bleeding is being stopped, you're breathing and stable from what I can see here, but we don't have an actual medical station here so we'll have to do this by visual judgment. As I said, don't leave my daughter, okay, stay with her. Don't die, just keep breathing. Clarke needs you." By mentioning her daughter's name, Abby was fairly sure that the commander's breath eased and got steadier. So she was at least partly conscious. Encouraged by that, she proceeded her task. When Jackson came back, she had everything ready. "Okay, so you all speak English?" The kids nodded. In unison. They were disciplined. "Okay, that's great. As you can see, Heda Lexa has been wounded. She lost a lot of blood, but we can fix that - with your help. Would anyone of you donate some blood to save her and keep her alive?" 'Wow Abby, you're really subtle today.' "It'd be even better if two of you would be willing to do so. My friend here, Jackson told you which blood group you have - it's best if the AB's of you could do that, but 0 will also work. So, volunteers first." The doctor finally ended her monologue. While she still spoke, every single one of them raised their hand. This was better than she had hoped, but nothing less than she had expected. "Great. Okay. AB's, please take a step forward. Jackson, choose two. Hurry." Everybody did as told (even though poor Jackson was a little bit confused of whom to take since it didn't really make a difference at this point. He just took the two closest to him). "Perfect. Now, well have your blood run through those tubes and then into your commander's circulation system. Jackson, I already took the bullet out and stitched the wound. Bandage it properly. There's no use in getting her new blood if she just keeps losing it. Nightbloods, thank you very much for your help. You just saved your commander. Please don't let us stop you from using your time." "You're welcome." The kids still spoke in perfect unison. Just when they were about to leave the room, Titus entered it. 'Oh, there you are, you useless idiot, who just shot my daughter's love of her life.', Abby only thought and bit her tongue in order to keep herself from saying it out loud. He got himself an overview of the situation and at least he checked it fast. "If you need anything, send one of the guards I positioned in front of the room. I'll be with the nightbloods." Saying something in Trigedasleng, he led most of them, excluding the two blood providers, out. Abby took a deep breath and took Lexas wrist to measure her pulse. It was still very light but she didn't seem to be in mortal danger anymore. "Kids?", she asked. "You did great. Thanks to you, Heda Lexa will survive this" 'most likely, at least', she thought but didn't say out loud. "Jackson, unconnect them." He took out all the tubes and got plasters. "There you go. Thank you for your help." He smiled at them and basically handed them to the guards, adding "Bring them to Titus." and closing the doors again. Back in, he looked just as worried as Abby felt. "We have to check her organs. If anything's harmed, if she's internally bleeding. We can't just leave her like this. We don't even know when she'll wake up! If she wakes up at all!" "Jackson, calm down. Panicking won't help us here. Look at her, she's a survivor. It's gonna be alright. The bullet was being stopped by a rib and it's not broken. The only danger was the blood loss. We saved her."

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"Octavia, I don't know what to do." Clarke just sat there. She hadn't come out of her room in three days and Octavia was the only one she accepted as company. "What do you mean?" The brunette sat down next to Clarke on her bed. "I miss her. I can't live without her." "I know.", was everything the younger girl had to offer. But she did know. She exactly remembered the pain from when she thought Lincoln would never be by her side again. "She's been comatose for three weeks. The last thing she said was that she loves me and I might never be able to tell her how I feel." Clarke started sobbing like she had done so much these days. "I know", Octavia repeated and put her arm around the other girl's shoulders. "I know."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
"Clarke, it might help her wake up. She's been comatose for four weeks now, the grounders won't tolerate this much longer. You haven't visited her even once. At least try. Just sit there, talk to her, tell her something funny, I don't know, whatever she likes." Abby was trying to get her daughter to focus. "Hey, listen to me. I know you just lost Finn, I know this is traumatising, I know tha-" "No mom, you _DON'T KNOW_! You might think you know, but you don't! If it hadn't been for you idiots in the council who send us down to die, surprise, we didn't die, come after us and then didn't even listen to us, we wouldn't be in this situation and if you had listened to us even one second, I wouldn't have to ask myself if the girl I love might die at any moment! You don't know and stop acting like you do!" Clarke looked at her mother sitting on the bed and then went away. The weak "but" behind her faded unheard.

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"Leksa, I'm sorry it took me so long to come here. I know, scientifically this should help you wake up, because my voice is most likely your last memory, and I know I advised a lot of people to do exactly what I'm doing, but I never knew it would feel so silly. I don't really know what to say now, though, because who would have thought I'd ever hold your hand while you're comatose because a bullet supposed to kill me would hit you in the rib. How did we end up like this, hmm? In a world that's not as cruel as this we might have had a happier story than this. Hey, did anybody tell you what Murphy found out? Originally, there were 13 stations supposed to build up the ark, but only 12 of them joined together. We knew this, and that the thirteenth station's name was Polaris. Now, he saw that there was a part of Polaris here in Polis and we figured we were all the same people 4 generations ago. That symbol that looks like an eight on its side - for you it's holy now, but it was the logo of a company developing an AI once. AI stands for artificial intelligence, which basically means a thinking robot, but it's not as scary as it sounds. We had some of them on the ark, too. Raven is trying to get one working in Arkadia right now. It's been damaged while the ark fell but now somebody found it and Raven wants to get it working so Skaikru can use it. Wow, this is probably so super not-interesting to you. I would tell you a story about something you like, but what do you actually like, apart from candles? You know, it's kinda cute how there are always some candles around you. It's kinda comforting. There's always this... warm light around you. I don't know. I should probably go and let you rest." Clarke bent down to kiss her. "Don't leave me, please, stay with me. I can't loose you." For the first time since she came in, it was quiet. "There was music here once, you know? People had songs and they were singing together and for one another. Some people would team up and become a band and be famous. There was this one group, pearl jam, with this one song. The lyrics are beautiful." And with that, she started singing. "I don't want to hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe. Stay with me, you're all I see. Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? If I didn't, I'm a fool, you see? No one knows this more than me. Cause I come clean. I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face. Everything you gave and nothing you would take. Nothing you would take. Everything you gave..." There was another moment of silence. "Yeah, this is not the whole song... I should probably let you rest" She got up and went out, not noticing how Lexa's hand vellicated


End file.
